There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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