I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
