i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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