I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
