A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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