thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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