his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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