There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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