So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
