you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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