My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
