dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The air was thick with penises
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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