I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
