Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
