just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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