i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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