i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
