I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
