I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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