i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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