Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
