I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sorry about my life...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
