I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
