I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
