Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
