I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize