I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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