Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
