I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
