She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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