I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Floor bacon is actually really good
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize