I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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