my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize