Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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