at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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