I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
