Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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