I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
