I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
