every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
this beer tastes like vomit already
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
