I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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