i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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