if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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