his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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