I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
