I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
two words: eviction party
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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