Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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