watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
