i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
