i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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