I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
