a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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