Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
