Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
