i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
