This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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