My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
