someone threw a dead crab at me
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
