I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So squirting runs in the family.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Floor bacon is actually really good
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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