I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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