When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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