i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
